The Deal
by EJ Daniels
Summary: Having had more than enough of his life, Harry Potter decided to broker the deal of the ages! What's Britain when compared to his life after all? – This is a piece of crackfic which is only meant to be humorous and nothing more. If you're looking for good writing, a solid plot line and developed characters…look elsewhere. You've been warned. Read at your own risk! - EJ


**A/N: **I felt the need to preface this with a disclaimer. This is by no means meant to be a great piece of work. After reading dozens of HP stories on here the Muse felt the urge to cleanse herself. If laughter is good for the soul then this should do the trick. It is meant to be humorous just as the characters are meant to be two dimensional. Read at your own risk…you've been warned! - EJ

* * *

**The Deal**

**...**

"So I can have it? The whole thing?" the stunned wizard asked as he leaned back into the soft high-back chair he was seated in.

"Every rock, weed and wet bog filled kilometer of it," Harry assured him with an honest and open smile, "and I'll be glad to be done with it!"

"Not that I don't appreciate the offer but you have to see why I'm skeptical of your deal, Harry," the man said as he regarded the boy. "I mean why would you give me all of England?"

"Why not?" the young wizard replied with a dismissive shrug of his youthful shoulders. "They never cared about me, why the bloody hell should I care about them? Oh sure they've wanted me for what I can do for them, but never just for myself! It's been one lie or hidden truth after another. At least with you I've always known what you wanted. You never lied to me so I figured you'd be the only bloke I could trust."

"I don't like beating about the bush. If I say I'm going to kill someone then I am," the man replied to the boy's bold statement. The recently revived wizard knew that if you didn't follow through on your threats then your underlings soon began to think you'd grown soft. Once that happened it was just a short matter of time before they began to think they could do a better job of it than you could.

The offer was just too good to pass up. "Alright, I accept," the man said extending his hand to the Boy-Who-Lived.

"Thanks, Tom, I figured I could count on you, mate," Harry said accepting the hand and giving it a firm shake to seal the deal. "Now as we agreed, no getting greedy and making a jump cross the channel or over the pond," he said with a pointed look at the Dark Lord seated before him. "The island's yours to do with as you want, though, only after I graduate."

Tom Marvolo Riddle smiled; feeling like Christmas had come early this year. "Well and understood, Harry," he confirmed.

****** Earlier that Evening ******

_Life is not fair…whoever came up with that saying needs to be bloody shot_, Harry James Potter mused to himself as he tried to eat the food on his plate. _I'll wager if they got a load of my life they would see theirs as being a might sight better._ The young wizard was in a dark mood this evening as he sat at the Gryffindor table with his housemates. There was the usual amount of chatter, good natured razzing and assorted meal time noise about him but he heard none of it, lost within his thoughts and his own little world.

Having lost his appetite Harry dropped his fork, the metallic clank against the golden plate sounding overly loud to him though no one else seemed to notice it. _How can they afford gold plates and yet have books that went out of print over a hundred years ago_? Thumping his elbow down on the table a tad bit harder than he intended to, he ignored the looks of concern from his house mates, as he rested his chin in the palm of his hand. _Bloody hell my life sucks!_

_Parents died when I was fifteen months old. Not that I recall them mind you. I spent the next ten years as a house elf, minus the magic...not that it would have made it any better. _Thoughts of what he could have done to Dudley suddenly sprang to mind drawing an evil grin to his face. _Alright, so it probably would have! _Recalling Uncle Vernon's view on that _freakiness,_ as his uncle put it, he quickly rethought the matter.

_What else? I was nearly knocked from my bewitched broom while playing Quidditch. A professor tried to kill me only to force me to kill him. Like that didn't give me nightmares well into my second year!_ Harry sighed softly to himself unnoticed by his two friends Hermione and Ron who were sitting across from him making eyes at each other. _Let's not forget the most important thing I learned that first year, besides that they use too much starch on the hospital sheets, troll boogies really stink! They not only stink, but it is near impossible to remove the smell._

For several weeks after the incident Harry hadn't been able to figure out why no one had wanted to sit near him in class or at the dinner table. This little problem didn't go away till he discovered a wonderful thing called perfume that Hermione had introduced him to. Harry frowned recalling the strange looks he started receiving from the other boys in his year whenever they walked past him. At first he didn't mind as at least the girls didn't run away from him anymore. A few had even gathered up their courage and asked him for the name of what he was wearing. _At least the girls were accepting me back as one of them!_ It was only over the Christmas holiday that the Weasley twins pulled him aside and explained to him that girls wore perfume and men actually wore some stuff called cologne. After he switched the boys would sit and talk to him once again but the girls wanted nothing further to do with him. At the time he recalled wondering if it hadn't been better the other way around.

_Let's see, where was I_? he mused silently to himself continuing his personal monologue. _Oh yes, my second year, because it was so much better than the first_, he thought sarcastically. _I get ostracized for being the heir to Slytherin. Like I would want to be related to that ruddy old git! Even if I was it wasn't like I had anything to do with it personally. Call it an accident of birth, which thankfully it wasn't_! Harry tried to repress a shudder that ran down his spine.

_Let's not forget parseltongue. Thanks to that little wonderful gift everyone was certain I was the one petrifying everyone. Let's just conveniently forget that I knew nothing of the Wizarding world till I arrived at Hogwarts and so wouldn't have the first clue what a basilisk is….was. It's not like I wanted to be a parseltongue! Have they ever tried speaking like that? It's barmy hard to do without a slit in your tongue. Much like trying to tie your tongue in a knot while still attempting to make yourself understood. _Every time Harry had used it his tongue had cramped up and his jaw ached for the rest of the day. _Whoever came up with it also needs to be taken out and shot_, the young wizard lamented silently to himself. _I wonder if I should start a list to keep track of who needs to be shot?_

_Who in their right mind would want to inherit a dark, dank room underground with a sixty foot snake that would just as soon eat you whole as turn you to stone?_ Harry recalled all the small animal bones that were littering the tunnel leading up to the Chamber of Secrets_. I hope whoever they paid for rodent control in the lower levels of the castle laughed all the way to Gringotts_, he thought as a small smile tucked the corners of his mouth upwards. _With all those bones it certainly didn't appear as though whatever charm they had used was working_. At least he knew how the basilisk managed to live down there for all that time. _On second thought, there's another to add to the 'Shoot On Sight' list. Without all those rodents to eat the bloody thing would have died long ago. That would have made things loads better!_

_I turned thirteen just before my third year._ Harry recalled thinking things were going to better now that he was officially a teenager. The teen years were supposed to be fun filled. Where a boy became a man and learned what life was all about! _I should have known by the number alone that it wasn't going to be a good year. Have you ever heard anything good `bout the number 13? Me either!_

_All the boys in the Gryffindor dorm suddenly realized that the other half of our class was different! They were these suddenly different, terribly confusing and completely mental creatures called girls!_ Harry couldn't help the small wistful sigh that escaped his lips as his eyes took on a dreamy glazed look. _Still, it certainly didn't keep us from watching them walk past like a Seeker with his eye on the Golden Snitch!_

_At a time when you have girls like Daphne Greengrass, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Cho Chang and Tracey Davis walking about it should be understandable that it is extremely hard for a young boy to concentrate on anything._ There was only one thing on every third year males mind…their first snog! _ Even Lavender Brown or Hermione would work for that!_ Glancing up Harry spied his two best friends making goggily eyes at each other and had to fight to keep down what little food he had eaten. _Okay, maybe not Hermione…especially if she's already snogged Ron! Nothing against Hermione as she's a bloody brilliant witch, but snogging her would be like snogging my sister…if I had a sister, which she would be. _Harry's head began to hurt just thinking about it.

_Given my track record I mean why would I have ever thought that things would be different for me? I should have known that from the moment I stepped out onto platform 9 ¾ that everything would start the slide down a deep and dark hill with no bottom in sight. Hell, even Ginny Weasley had someone to snog! _

Harry groaned softly, thinking back to that fateful day and the train ride to Hogwarts. _Of all the terrible things that have happened to me that had to be the worst. Of all the pretty girls on that train why in the bloody hell did my first snog have to be from a Dementor?_ Harry was almost certain it was a prank pulled on him by Remus, a friend of his father's and one of the two remaining Marauders. Harry vowed if he could prove it, there would be one wolf howling soprano for ever more! _Granted the year wasn't all bad but when you start with a kiss from a Dementor really everything is a step up from there!_

Harry sat and thought for a bit longer. _Well, I did get a Firebolt! Not to mention that I learned how to do a Patronus charm. I also got a Firebolt! Then there was the whole godfather thing. Did I mention I got a Firebolt? Still, I reckon it would have been a better year if every time I showed up for Divination class Professor Trelawney didn't give me a quizzical look and ask 'Still here are we? Haven't died yet have we?' _ Harry was more than a little ready to introduce the coke bottle glasses wearing witch to a Dementor or two by end of term. He would have done it too, however he felt sorry for the Dementors.

_There's only one thing I can say about fourth year…Fleur Delacour_! Harry's face took on an almost mystical dreamy quality and his glasses even started to fog up slightly. _I guess there was also the visions of Tom, not something you'd care to see firsthand. Maybe on a late night rerun on the Tele, but certainly not the first go around._ Harry sat up a little straighter and gathered his thoughts once more. _We also had the Quidditch World Cup with the Veela cheerleaders_, he recalled, once more slouching in his seat as his mind raced off to other, lower, areas of his youthful body.

_Of course the bloody Death Eaters had to come and ruin that_! Harry cringed slightly recalling something else. _We won't even go into the whole floo fiasco from the Burrow! Between the floo network and portkeys I'm really starting to hate magical travel. Two more blokes that can be added to the 'Shoot On Sight' list if you ask me! Next thing you know they'll have me take someone's arm so I can be sucked into a tiny tube and be spat out the other end_!

_Fourth year saw the return of the Tri-Wizard tournament. I can't help but wonder what the odds were of it returning while I was attending Hogwarts_, Harry mused to himself. _I wonder what sort of odds Ludo Bagman was giving for that to happen? Fleur Delacour! Blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile to die for! I probably really should have thanked Barney Crouch Jr. for slipping my name into the goblet. Without that I would never have rescued Gabrielle and been kissed for it! Fleur Delacour_! Harry sighed dreamily.

The-Boy-Who-Lived recalled, as he wiped the drool from his chin, thinking the entire tournament was a joke and he was the butt left hanging out of it. _I mean in what sane world would you allow a fourteen year old to compete in a life or death struggle which was designed for much older and better experienced wizards and witches?_ Harry had only been partially placated upon being told that the tests weren't designed to get anyone killed. That was until the first test.

_Honestly Dragons? Cause that so won't get you killed at all! I think they could have renamed mine from Hungarian Horntail to Hungarian Horny-tail with the way it was eying me!_ Harry tried, with little success, to suppress a shudder of revulsion. _For the second test they wanted us to focus on rescuing something precious to us that we'd lost? I don't know about the others but I certainly couldn't lose Ron…no matter how hard I tried! _

_The test was rigged in Fleur's favor, it had to be! I mean seriously, scantily clad Mer-woman were swimming about with those 'Come Hither" looks. I'm still not sure who Hither is but I know I was ready to go where ever they wanted me to go. I could say they had nice...hair, yeah that's it, hair. I could say that but I think we all know I would be lying._ _Fourteen…hormones…need I say more?_

Harry sighed with regret recalling the third and final task. _I guess, in looking back, the fact that Alastor Moody wanted to cheat and help me win should have been a blindingly clear indication that things weren't going to end well from the onset._ _It truly is amazing how quickly you can find your way through a maze when everything and everyone in it, including the maze itself, is hell bent on killing you! I can't solve a cross-word to save my life but I bloody well solved that maze in record time. Then again cross-words don't usually try to kill you do they?_

_Note to self, the next time you tie for the grand prize and the bloke next to you says 'No, you go ahead and take it. You deserve it!', argue with him till you're blue in the face or until he takes the bloody thing just to shut you up. I'm sure Cedric was a good bloke and all however he wasn't the one with a Dark Lord after him!_ After one more glance to his best mates only to see them staring longingly into each other's eyes Harry decided he'd really had enough of his piss poor life.

The loud bang of Harry hands smacking the top of the Gryffindor table as he thrust himself to his feet was clearly heard throughout the great hall. In a matter of moments silence reined throughout the room as everyone stared at him. "I've had enough!"

"Harry, what's the matter?" the kind elderly voice of the Headmaster asked suddenly near the boys elbow.

Harry turned and looked at the aged wizard, a slight look of disbelief upon his face as he replied in a questioning tone, "I should think that was fairly clear Sir. I've had enough would usually mean just that. I would like to continue to be known as The-Boy-Who-Lived instead of The-Boy-Who-Lived-Then-Died if it's all the same to you, Headmaster?"

"Yes, yes, I would imagine so," Albus answered with a slight nodding of his head in agreement and understanding.

Harry took a long stare at the man before him and suddenly noticed that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore looked old. _Well, I guess that is to be expected when you're well past 150 years of age and rounding the curve at full speed heading towards 200. For him to still be working at his age the retirement package must really suck!_

Harry turned and looked about the hall. "Does anyone have a portkey I can use?" he asked. To say he was a little amazed when every student and teacher produced one would have been more than just a slight understatement. "Bloody hell! Does everyone have one except me?" Harry exclaimed in disbelief.

There was a long moment of silence while a goblin, dressed in a Gringotts suit and tie, walked past carrying a bucket of portkey yelling in a loud voice, "Portkeys. Only 100 Galleons. Guaranteed to get you through the best of wards!"

For a brief moment the dark haired lad wondered what his life would have been like if he had been adopted by the Goblin Nation. _It certainly couldn't have been any worse_, he mused silently. _It's not like I set free their dragon or anything!_ Harry watched the goblin saunter past till his attention was drawn elsewhere.

"Didn't you get yours in your student enrollment packet first year, mate?" Ron Weasley asked only to grin condescendingly as he suddenly realized he knew something the famous Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, Gryffindor Golden Boy, Chosen One and youngest Seeker in the last hundred years didn't.

"No Ronald," Harry answered with as he tried to control his rising anger, "I didn't receive one!" Anything further the Gryffindor Seeker was about to say was drowned out by an explosive _bang_ that suddenly rang through the room.

All eyes turned towards the main door of the great hall only to see Hagrid standing there with a childish smile filled with happiness on his face as he stared at something small in his hand. As they watched the Game Keeper of Hogwarts vanished only to return a few seconds later with another explosive bang. "Best toy I ever found in my pocket," the half giant said before disappearing once more.

"Here mate, use mine," Seamus Finnigan offered holding out a half filled beer stein to Harry.

"Thanks, I owe you one," Harry replied activating the portkey and disappearing with a far quieter pop than the Game Keeper made. It was only five minutes later when a very pale and shaking Harry Potter, clearly out of breath, stumbled back into the Great Hall and made his way back to the Gryffindor table.

"Everything alright, mate?" Seamus asked as others looked on with worry.

Harry handed him the now empty stein back before laying a hand upon the seated boys shoulder only to pause and try to catch his breath. "I'm sorry mate," Harry finally managed to get out after a few gulps of air. "I had no idea. I barely got away from her!"

Seamus grinned upon hearing his friend's words. "Sorry there, mate. I forgot to warn you about me Mum. With me dad out to sea for the past few months she a little affectionate `bout this time of year."

"Harry, try mine," Dean Thomas offered, holding out a red referee's card towards his fellow year-mate. "My mom and dad are both home so you should be safe."

"Thanks Dean, I owe you one, mate," Harry said with an appreciative smile just before activating the portkey and disappearing once again from the great hall of Hogwarts.

Ten minutes later the Gryffindor Golden Boy limped back into the great hall with shredded robes and scratches on his hands and arms. Reaching the Gryffindor table he simply handed the card back to Dean before looking about the room. "Anyone else have a port key that won't land me before their amorous family members, vicious dogs," Harry shot Dean a glare before continuing," or anything else that might kill me or see me in a heap of trouble?" Everyone present started to put away their portkeys.

Once again a goblin walked past offering portkeys for sale for 100 Galleons. Harry was very tempted to buy one regardless of the cost till he heard a voice near his elbow once more. "You may use mine, Harry," the Headmaster offered holding out a small silver griffin figurine to him.

Harry eyed the small item skeptically. "This isn't going to get me killed is it?"

The Headmasters eyes twinkled merrily, "Alas no my dear boy. Just remember the Gryffindor motto, '_Charge In_' and you should be fine."

Harry couldn't help but wonder just what he'd be charging into as he reached out and took the portkey which activated at his touch. The young Gryffindor felt the familiar sensation associated with portkey travel and then found himself standing in the middle of the boys Gryffindor dorm room. A quick glance about showed him the canopy beds he was used to with trunks at the foot of them. Still something felt off or just not right.

Katie Bell, walking out of the bathroom drying her hair with a towel and without a stich of clothing on, left Harry little doubt that he wasn't in the boys' dormitory.

"Harry Potter?" Katie said upon seeing him standing there frozen in the middle of the dorm room gawking at her. "You cheeky little bastard," she continued, with a saucy grin as she eyed him up and down. "I guess it's time to show you why I'm the best Chaser on the house Quidditch team," she told him as she walked towards him with a sultry sway to her hips. It only took him a moment to realize what she meant but before he had taken two steps she was on him…in more ways than one! It didn't take long for the Chaser to score against her seeker.

Forty-five minutes later a very dazed and disheveled Harry Potter, with a grin that stretched ear to ear, shambled back into the great hall of Hogwarts. The Golden Boy now had firsthand knowledge of what girl bits were and what happened when they were put together with boy bits. As he made his way back to the Gryffindor table people could hear him mumbling to himself, "Bloody hell, I love Quidditch!"

"Harry!" Neville Longbottom exclaimed upon seeing his friend. "What happened to you!"

Harry managed to pull himself back together slightly before answering. "Nev, let's just say I caught the Golden Snitch and leave it at that shall we?" The black haired youth turned and grinned towards the Headmaster who was seated once more at the teacher's table. Harry shot him a _thumbs- up_ before dropping the small griffin statue into his pocket in case he ever needed it again.

Just at that moment the goblin selling portkeys walked past and Harry stopped him and finally gave in. "Alright I'll buy one."

"Great," the goblin replied. "It would be a wonderful honor for the Goblin Nation to supply the famous Harry Potter with a portkey….for 100 galleons that is," the small creature added. Harry paid the goblin. "Where would you like to go?"

Harry leaned down and whispered the destination into the goblins ear, feeling it may not be wise to tell everyone where he was off to. The small creature nodded and then selected a portkey and handed it to the youth who activated it and disappeared without even a pop.

Five minutes later a very defeated looking Harry Potter walked back into the great hall contemplating using the statue in his pocket once again to cheer himself up. If he was lucky he could catch the Chaser before she was fully dressed. Making his way back to the goblin that was still standing there he handed him the portkey back. "It doesn't work," Harry said in a tired voice.

"It didn't take you there?" the goblin asked in disbelief. If the product failed he'd have to refund the money, a shameful thing for any self-respecting goblin to have to do.

"No one was home," Harry clarified with a look of utter disappointment.

The goblin handed the portkey back with a wicked grin, "Sorry Mr. Potter, but all sales are final."

Before the boy could argue back a soft grandfatherly voice near Harry's elbow intruded on the conversation. "Harry, I hate to interrupt you but I must know how you're managing this?" Albus asked in a puzzled voice.

Harry eyed him for a moment, thinking it was fairly obvious. "I have a trust fund," he finally said. "I withdraw galleons and that allows me to buy items such as the portkey. Capitalism at its finest, Sir."

"Yes, yes," Albus said with a slight nodding of his head in agreement. "Right you are dear boy, however that's not what I meant." Seeing the confused look on Harry's face the aged wizard explained, "The wards that protect Hogwarts do not allow for anyone to use a portkey but myself." Seeing the arched brow from Harry he continued, "Well, being the Headmaster has to have some perks," Albus told him in a slightly defensive tone.

"The wards don't allow anyone to port in," Harry agreed. "Apparently they do not stop others from leaving though."

"Are you certain?" Albus asked in disbelief.

"Would you like me to port out again to confirm it? I mean I've only done it three times now already," Harry offered with a touch of sarcasm in his voice.

"No, no, that's quite alright my boy," Albus assured him completely oblivious to the sarcasm in the boys words. "However, might I ask how you're getting back in though?"

"There's a Vanishing box at Borgin and Burkes connected to the one in the Room of Hidden Things," Harry informed the Headmaster of in a tone that clearly indicated the boy thought everyone knew of this fact. Both paused to look over at the Slytherin table as Draco Malfoy started to suddenly choke, spewing up his pumpkin juice he had been taking a drink of.

As everyone was watching the pale boy started to turn purple, an owl flew in and dropped a card to the goblin before flying away. The small creature read the card and passed it to Harry who read the top of it which said '_Change of mailing address notice_' in big red letters. "It would appear that he moved," the goblin said to Harry.

"So it would," Harry replied. "Can I get a portkey to his new location?"

"Sure," the goblin replied with a grin that showed off his razor sharp teeth. "100 galleons."

"I've seen you before haven't I," Harry asked as he took out his money pouch and began taking out the required number of galleons.

"Yes, Mr. Potter. Griphook's the name. Currently working my side job," he said with a wink and as he nudged Harry with one elbow. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to the Head Goblin, if you know what I mean? He might not understand."

"I never saw you then," Harry replied as he accepted the new portkey.

"Pleasure not doing business with you, Mr. Potter," Griphook said as he pocketed the galleons.

"Harry, do you really wish to leave Hogwarts," The Headmaster spoke up upon seeing the boy about to depart.

Harry sighed heavily before turning to face the head of the school. "What I really want is to graduate, Headmaster."

"Why would you want to rush your graduation Harry? You should enjoy your youth and have a normal childhood," Albus replied with a serene smile. "Graduate? Whatever for Harry?"

"Because then I will know everything," Harry said.

"Everything?" Harry nodded to the posed question. "My dear boy, life is a learning experience. How do you figure that by graduating you would know all there is to know?"

"Because that must be the case. Everyone we speak to who is an adult seems to have complete knowledge of horcruxs, Headmaster," Harry explained.

"Careful Harry, that's a very rare piece of magic and someone might hear you say that," Albus gasped, making a hushing gesture at the boy before him.

"Well I should hope so," Harry exclaimed. "Everyone seems to know what they are yet they all conveniently seemed to have forgotten they exist till such time as we mentioned them."

"Yes….well….," Dumbledore mumbled with a slight nodding of his head in agreement. If there was one thing that was hard to refute it was the truth.

"If it's such a bloody rare bit of magic then how does everyone but you know about it?" an exasperated Harry asked.

"Well, I had my suspicions," Albus replied defensively. "So it wasn't that I didn't know, I had just forgotten." Albus was certain that should cover him not knowing. The Headmaster figured if forgetting was good enough for everyone else then it should work for him as well.

"You had suspicions and yet you said nothing?" Harry asked in utter disbelief.

"Well I mean I wasn't certain and didn't want you to worry," the Headmaster offered in an attempt to calm the boy whose temper seemed to be getting the better of him for some unfathomable reason.

"Didn't want me to worry?" Harry asked, shouting in disbelief. "I have a Dark Lord trying to use me for target practice before killing me in the slowest and most painful of manners! I mean how much more worried can I get?" Harry sighed, realizing that yelling at the old man beside him wasn't going to help matters any. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wasn't certain it was horcruxs," Albus confessed, glancing about nervously to see if anyone had heard him say horcruxs.

"You weren't certain?" Harry enquired, not really surprised by the answer at this point. "How many other means could there be to cheat death?"

"You mean how many different means or how many horcruxs he has?" Albus asked hesitantly.

"You mean there is more than one means?" Harry asked, finding the entire conversation both frustrating as well as eye opening at the same time.

"Yes there are many means I mean," Albus replied.

"Did you ever mean to tell me these means?" Harry asked with an arched brow.

"I fully meant to," Albus offered apologetically. "I just never found the right time or proper means to tell you of the other means, nor did I see the need to."

"That's just plan mean," Harry fumed. "Voldemort means to kill me you realize? Why shouldn't I know the means by which he could save himself?"

"Just because I know of these other means and I have the means to tell you doesn't mean that I should tell you," the Headmaster countered with. "Know what I mean?" Albus added, thinking he had played that rather well.

"Seriously?" Harry asked completely gobsmacked.

"You called Harry?" Sirius Black asked as he suddenly walked past, pausing at the sound of his name.

Harry turned with a warning finger to his godfather, "Don't start with me, Sirius!"

"Seriously Pup, you need to learn to enjoy life a bit more," Lord Black told him with a charismatic grin. "You should go have some fun! Don't let this whole '_Dark Lord wants to kill you_' thing get you down!"

"I think you're right, Sirius," Harry said with a spreading smile.

"Of course I am. I'm Sirius Black after all," the head of the Black family said with a roguishly good grin that could have easily unseated Gilderoy Lockhart in Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile competition.

"Right then, I'm off," Harry replied and then disappeared only to reappear in the study of Malfoy Manor, seated in a chair. "Tom, we need to talk," Harry told the wizard seated in the chair across the desk from him.

Tom Riddle set down the hand mirror he had been eyeing himself in as discreetly as possible, hoping The-Boy-Who-Lived hadn't noticed. "Harry, how wonderful to see you. It's Voldemort, Lord Voldemort actually," the nose challenged wizard corrected him with a sneer.

Harry realized that a sneer wasn't the same when there wasn't a nose on the face doing it. _Looks more like he might have a touch of gas_, the young Gryffindor thought absently to himself.

"To what honor do I owe this visit?" Voldemort asked shifting a few loose paper over till they were atop the mirror, effectively hiding it.

"I'm tired of this game, Tom," Harry said, crossing his arms over his chest in a huff as he leaned back in his seat. "I no longer want to play. They can take their plans and bloody well…," Harry then made several very descriptive suggestions on what they could do with the afore mentioned plans that shocked the Dark Lord.

Voldemort's eyes grew huge and his skin paled even further which was saying something given it was already a pasty white. "Harry, I'm not entirely certain that's physically possible. The human body just doesn't bend that way." Voldemort smiled with begrudging respect for the boy. "I like how you think though!"

"Well it might be worth a try," Harry offered in a sullen tone, referring to his suggestions and said plans once more. "I mean it is all because of that prophecy given by the mad woman hoarder up in her tower. I don't think she's been out the castle for near on sixteen years now. That has to do something to a person! She's completely mental I tell you!"

Voldemort's hairless brow nearly jumped to the back of his head it flew upwards so quickly. "Prophecy you say?"

Harry nodded. "The one that says neither one of us can live while the other ones does."

"So that's what the rest of it said," Voldemort replied thoughtfully as he digested this last bit of news.

"You seem fairly alive to me, Tom," Harry said to the wizard currently lost in thought. "Last I checked I was still breathing so I think that makes us both alive and the prophecy a load of rubbish." Harry wondered if Ludo Bagman wasn't taking odds on just who would win between the two of them, Tom or himself. _Bloody hell! If I find they set this whole thing up just so they'd have something to entertain themselves with over the years I'll make them all take dancing lessons with McGonagall! With her in the nude!_

"So is that why you came here? To tell me the rest of the prophecy?" the Dark Lord asked.

"No," Harry answered with a slight shake of his head. "I want to make a deal with you."

"Why," the only living member of the Riddle family asked suspiciously.

"Sure you killed my parents and all but you're also the only bloke that hasn't lied to me." Harry leaned forward slightly. "I always knew you were out to kill me. You tried your hardest too, I'll give you that."

"It was strictly business you understand," Tom offered in way of apology. "Nothing personal…your parents and all, I mean."

Harry waved away the apology as there was little that could be done about it now. "I never doubted for a second that your goal was to kill me. Such single-minded determination! I can respect that. Everyone else seemed to have their own hidden agenda, but not you! Everyone knows you want to have it all."

"Do tell," Tom stated as he leaned forward and rested his elbows upon the desktop, steeple fingers before him in an effort to hide the place where his nose ought to be. "Just how did they wish to use you, Harry?"

"The Ministry, namely Fudge, wanted to use me as a poster boy to get himself re-elected. As if anyone would vote for that incompetent," Harry added with a chuckle that was joined by Tom. "The Weasleys wanted my money and title. They wished to marry me off to their youngest daughter, Ginevra."

Tom couldn't help but cringe at the name. "Let me guess, she had a '_great personality_' but that was her best feature?"

Harry grinned slightly. "I think she would have been a looker, given a few years. Honestly though she was too quick to change boyfriends if you know what I mean. That and I always saw her as a sister."

Tom could only nod, uncertain what he meant having never had a relationship before and being incapable of loving anyone. _Perhaps she kills off her boyfriends like a black widow_, he thought. _Maybe I should meet this girl? We could do great things together…dark and terrible things, but great none the less!_

"Then there is Dumbledore," Harry continued with. "I think he was grooming me to be killed by you." Harry tapped the scar on his head upon seeing the look of disbelief from the self-styled Dark Lord. "Got a bit of you in here it seems, mate. The Leader of the Light was willing to serve me up in order to see your downfall."

"He's been trying to put me down for some time now. Ever since I outsmarted him when I opened the Chamber of Secrets the first time," Tom said with a grin. "He doesn't do well if he doesn't get his own way. A bit of a poor loser it seems." A long moment passed before the Dark Lord continued finally. "So, what's the catch?"

"No catch," Harry replied, holding his hands up, palms facing outward. "Just a few stipulations is all really."

"I'm listening," Riddle replied leaning back in his chair.

"You and your Death Eaters do nothing till I graduate. Once I do that then I'll leave, taking a few friends with me and the whole bloody island is yours," Harry told him.

"That's it?" Voldemort asked incredulously.

"That's it," Harry assured him.

"Where will you go?" Tom couldn't resist asking.

"Once I'm of age I'll become the head of the Potter House," Harry relayed as he leaned back in his chair. "My godfather let slip that the most noble and ancient house of Potter is the richest of all the pureblood families. It seemed that we also own a great many properties around the globe. I have my eyes set on a little piece of land down in the Virgin Islands," Harry paused to shoot a knowing wink at the wizard across from him, "not that they'll stay that way long mind you! " he said with a leer only to be met by a blank stare. "Riiiiight. Moving right along then. I'll retire to my island, you'll have your island, and we can both live and let live."

"How do I know you won't come after me later on," Tom enquired thinking if their positions were reversed he might just do that.

"So long as you stay on your island I'll stay on mine," Harry told him. "No jumping the channel or leaping to the other side of the pond. As long as you do that I think we're all good."

The offer was just too good to pass up. "Alright, I accept," the Dark Lord said extending his hand to the Boy-Who-Lived.

"Thanks, Tom, I figured I could count on you, mate," Harry said accepting the hand and giving it a firm shake to seal the deal. "One more thing, I think I should live here with you till I graduate. Just so I can keep an eye on you."

"Not the trusting sort are you, Harry," Voldemort said with a slight sneer of admiration.

Harry tapped his scar once again, "Part of you in here, mate," he reminded the wizard. "Besides, where am I going to find a better Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher than the Dark Lord himself? You wouldn't believe what passes for a DADA teacher these days!"

"Point and match, Harry. Point and match," Tom Marvolo Riddle said with a smile, feeling like Christmas had certainly come early this year even if he had to wait three more years before he could collect his present.

****** September 1****st**** – Start of Sixth Year ******

Harry opened his eyes and after slipping on his glasses and sat up in bed, swinging his legs over and dropping his feet to the floor. After a long stretch and yawn he climbed to his feet, grabbed his towel before leaving his room to walk down the hall to the bathroom for his morning shower. The soon to be sixth year Gryffindor groaned upon seeing the bathroom door closed.

Harry knocked on the door and waited a minute before repeating the process again though considerably harder than the first time. "Oi, some of us have a train to catch and school to be off to!" A few minutes passed before the door opened to billowing clouds of steam which rolled out into the hallway.

"Bloody hell, Tom! I don't know how you do it, mate!" Harry exclaimed upon eyeing the Dark Lord, thankful for the anti-steam charm on his glasses. "You haven't a nose to pick or hair to wash and not even whiskers to shave yet you manage to spend hours in the shower!"

Before either man could say another word, Nagini slithered out of the bathroom, passing between their legs and made her way down the hall. After a moment the snake paused and looked back. Harry could have sworn the python wore a smirk. The young wizard turned back to look at the Dark Lord in disbelief.

"What?" Tom asked defensively. "I like to have someone to talk to while I'm taking a shower," he quickly added. "Nagini says she likes it as it's hot and humid just like her home."

Harry wisely chose to remain silent not wishing to give voice to his thoughts or even try to imagine what the man was doing in the shower with a snake for hours on end.

"Besides," Riddle continued with, feeling as though he needed to justify his actions, "have you ever tried to take a shower without a nose? Damn near drown myself every other minute!"

****** October 31****st**** Seventh Year ******

Poppy Pomfrey walked as quickly as she could through the school corridors. She'd been up in the Divination Tower with Sybill, testing the Professors latest create of Sherry that had arrived. "I knew I should have made her come down to the hospital," Poppy mumbled to herself as she reached the moving stairways.

The school nurse had partaken of the grape a bit more than she thought and hence was finding it rather difficult to walk the straight and narrow as it appeared to have been replace with the crooked and bent instead. Normally this wouldn't have been an issue and she would have just spent the night in the tower, however the aged nurse had received a letter via owl that Harry Potter had been involved in an altercation and urgently needed her in the hospital wing.

"My poor Harry's last year here, I should have realized he wouldn't break his streak now," she mumbled as she made her second circuit of the shifting stairways which kept leading her back to where she originally started at for some reason. The elder healer nurse was referring to Harry's tradition of ending up in the hospital every year he had been at Hogwarts. "The dear boy has spent so much time under my care I feel as if he is my own," she intoned, her words slurring greatly.

Poppy finally made it to the fourth floor and the doors leading to the hospital. As carefully as possible, feeling like a teenager sneaking in after curfew…and making just as much noise, the nurse slipped into the room only to have the door slam shut behind her. Turning the aged medical witch placed a finger to her lips and told the door to '_Shhhhh_'. Satisfied that it had listened as there was no more slamming going on, she turned back around and proceeded with the utmost care. Two stubbed toes and three kicked bedpans later she looked up and stopped in utter disbelief. There, lying on the floor was Harry Potter or at least what was left of him. It appeared to the aged and more than a little intoxicated nurse, that the boy's lower extremities had been banished leaving just the upper torso lying there in a rather large pool of blood.

As the intoxicated nurse looked on in horror at the demise of The-Boy-Who-Lived, a boy she thought of as her own, Harry's head lifted up and looked at her with those piercing emerald eyes. "It's just a scratch Poppy. Nothing a Pick-Me-Up won't fix!" Harry said with a wide grin only to see the nurse's eyes roll back into her head as she toppled over onto the empty bed that just happen to be next to her.

"Oh Shit!" Harry exclaimed as he yanked the invisibility cloak off his legs and sprang to his feet. With a way of his wand he banished the fake blood and then dashed to the passed out nurse to make sure she was still breathing.

Once certain that the nurse wasn't hurt the young wizard quickly let himself out of the hospital. _Bloody hell but that couldn't have gone any better_, he thought as he hurried back towards the Gryffindor common room. _If that prank doesn't make me an official Marauder then Sirius can go kiss a Dementor!_

****** 7****th**** Year Graduation ******

"Before I begin my address," Albus Dumbledore said as he stood at the podium and looked out over the smiling faces of the graduating class, "this year's Head Boy has asked to say a few words."

The Head Boy smiled his thanks to the Headmaster before stepping to the now vacant podium. "Hi, I'm Harry Potter," he said.

"HI HARRY!" everyone in the great hall called back in unison.

"It's been three years since I last fought Lord Voldemort," he stated only to be greeted by loud resounding applause from all those gathered. Harry waited for the clapping to quiet down before he continued, feeling like he was at a Hero's Anonymous meeting. "I couldn't have done it without the support of my friends and family," he said to another round of applause and a call of '_Cannons Rule_!'. "Keep dreaming Ron," Harry said with a grin and much laughter from the audience.

"Right then, if I can have all the seventh year girls up here please," Harry pointing to directly in front of the podium. "Quickly please, we haven't much time," he added to move them along. "Luna Lovegood, care to join us as well?" Harry asked only to smile upon seeing the slender blonde hurrying to join the waiting seventh year girls.

Harry stepped from behind the podium and joined the waiting girls, pulling them into a football huddle. "Here's the deal ladies. Lord Voldemort will own this entire island when I graduate. You can stay here or you can join me on an island in the Caribbean that I own as the head of the ancient, noble and filthy rich Potter house." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he had his arms full of a blonde Slytherin girl who was attempting to cover his face in kisses. "I figured you'd want to go, Daphne," he finally managed to say with a chuckle. "For the rest of you, it's your choice. If you want to go, please stand over there by the main doors."

"Harry," said a rather unfeminine voice from behind Harry as he watched the girls rush to the back of the great hall. Turning The-Boy-Who-Lived saw Millicent Bulstrode standing there with a nervous expression upon her face. Over the course of the last three years the girl had slimmed down as she had apparently been hitting the weights, judging by the obvious muscles she now sported. Harry was certain she could have taken on any three seventh year boys and beaten them…with one hand tied behind her back….while jumping on one leg…and blindfolded. "Are you sure you want me to go? I know I'm not much to look at and all…," the girl's words trailed off.

Harry swallowed heavily before offering the girl a sincere smile. "Nonsense. It just wouldn't be the same without you there Milli," he told her honestly. _It's not like I'm going to tell her no. She could snap me like a twig!_

The Slytherin girl's eyes ran up and down Harry's body hungrily before returning to his green orbs. "I'll make certain you don't regret it, Harry," she told him with a lecherous grin that promised all sorts of wickedness.

Harry wasn't certain if it was good or bad that he felt a thrill of excitement run up and down his spine at her look. _I just hope she doesn't break me!_

"Harry, what's the meaning of this," a gentle grandfatherly voice asked from near Harry's elbow.

"I'm leaving Britain, Headmaster," Harry told him honestly in a hushed tone.

"Where ever will you go my boy?" Albus asked.

"I'm off to the Virgin Islands," Harry said, pausing to give the old man a knowing wink, "though they won't stay that way for long!" The Headmaster only response was a blank stare. _Does no one get that?_ "I've had enough of Dark Lords, Horcruxs and prophecies, Sir. I think I've earned a vacation," he told the aged wizard discreetly.

Albus couldn't deny the fact. _A well-rested hero would certainly be the best for the greater good_, he reasoned. "I see," he finally said. "Perhaps you're right," he agreed with a slight nodding of his head. "Do make the best of it then," he offered in parting before making his way back to his seat at the head table.

Harry turned to face the rest of the audience who hadn't heard their conversation. "Right then. For the rest of you, I suggest that you take a trip to the continent and plan on an extended stay there. Don't let the coming _Dark…Lord_ over you. If you know what I mean?" In a few seconds the Ravenclaw table was cleared. _They really are the brightest of the four houses_, Harry mused with a slight grin.

"Where are you going, mate?" Ron called out.

"As it turns out I own a little place down in the Virgin Islands," Harry started to say.

"They won't be that way long!" the Weasley twins shouted out in unison from the back of the room. They had come to see their _ittle Ronnikins_ graduate.

"Finally! Someone gets it!" Harry exclaimed. "Seriously!"

"You called, Pup?" Lord Black asked from behind Harry.

"Time to go!" Harry called out as he started to walk to the waiting group of girls. "Neville, Fred, George…care to join me?" The three called were out their seats and half way to the back of the hall before the words had completely left Harry's mouth.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" yelled a shrill voice behind the waiting group of girls, causing Harry to cringe slightly. "If you think for one moment you're leaving without us you've obviously been hit in the head one too many times with a bludger!" Katie Bell exclaimed standing there with an infant in her arms and a toddler hanging onto her leg at the knee.

"Wouldn't think of it, Katie Dear" Harry said with a nervous chuckle as he motioned the girl over. It may have been the Golden Boy's imagination but he could have sworn all the others were suddenly giving him an appraising look of speculation. He could have sworn he heard someone comment about the plumbing working at least.

"Alright, everyone grab hold of me," he instructed them once everyone was ready and waiting for him. Harry suddenly let out a loud squeak. "Whoever has hold of my bum….don't let go!" The emerald eyed wizard was fairly certain it was the twins that snickered at his words. With a bright flash of light, just because it looked good, they were gone.

****** Uncharted Island in the Caribbean ******

"Harry," a very nervous Hermione Granger said as she looked up at her best friend with big brown eyes, "are you sure we should be doing this?"

Hermione," Harry replied with the softest of smiles, "trust me." He was glad that Ron and Hermione had broken it off shortly after the start of their sixth year at Hogwarts. He was even more pleased that the late blooming witch had come to mean quite a bit more to him than a sister.

"I do trust you, Harry," Hermione admitted. "I wouldn't be laying here on this bed without a stitch of clothing on with you kneeling between my knees if I didn't trust you. Can't you even give me a hint as to what this surprise is," she asked in a pleading tone of voice.

Harry stared down at her for several long moments, clearly enjoying the view. "I have something special I want to show you," he finally confessed.

"The same '_something special_' you were showing Daphne in here the last two days?" she asked with a decided edge of jealousy to her voice. "I saw the bright flashes of light emanating from this room under the door!"

_Damn!_ Harry cursed silently, his mind racing a mile a minute. "I…I was practicing," he blurted out as it was the first thing to came to mind.

"You….you were practicing? You mean studying?" the bushy haired witch asked, a note of hopefulness creeping into her voice at his words.

"Yes…studying," he quickly agreed, latching onto the one thing he knew she would appreciate almost as much as excessive reading. "I wanted it to be perfect for you."

"For…me?" Hermione asked with a slight hitch to her voice.

"Just for you, Hermione," Harry replied, his voice become rich and husky sounding.

Hermione looked into Harry's emerald eyes and nodded slightly in acceptance. "Show me, Harry," she said in a soft, cute and very nervous voice.

Harry thought about the previous two days with the blonde Slytherin girl, Daphne Greengrass, and smiled. Settling an empty hand on each of Hermione's knees he gazed down at the image beneath him before saying in a commanding voice, "_Expecto Patronum!"_ A large full bodied stag came into existence above them shinning nearly as bright at the sun itself.

Hermione's eyes grew large as she beheld the majestic animal. "That's amazing Harry!" she exclaimed excitedly. "When did you learn to do wandless magic?"

Harry glanced down to below his waist with a grin, "Well, it's not exactly wandless!"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

My apologies for the above crackfic. I can't always control what the Muse is going to write, I'm merely the fingers at the keyboard. Again, none of the above is to be taken as a serious (or Sirius) literary endeavor on my part. Just poking a bit of fun as story trends (my own included), that I've seen on here. Any resemblance between my story and yours is purely accidental. ;-)

As always, though certainly not required, I do appreciate any and all reviews. They encourage me and touch the heart with warmth which only serves to insure I remain firmly at the keyboard.

Kind Regards,

EJ Daniels

All characters within this story, unless otherwise stated are the sole property of J. K. Rowling the original writer of the **_Harry Potter_** series.


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